2006
During my extensive travels as a baseball writer for The Lowell Sun, I have often been asked exactly where Lowell, Massachusetts, is. When I tell them Lowell is the geographic center of New England, anyone remotely familiar with a map greets that declaration with a natural degree of skepticism. I assure them it’s true.
“How do I know this?” I tell the skeptics. “I know this because when the weatherman says it’s going to snow in eastern New England, it snows in Lowell. When the weatherman says it’s going to snow in northern New England, it snows in Lowell. When the weatherman says it’s going to snow in western New England, it snows in Lowell. And when the weatherman says it’s going to snow in southern New England, yes, it still snows in Lowell. Ergo, Lowell must be the geographic center of New England.”
Mark Twain once said that everyone complains about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it. Well, the federal government could have done something about the inordinate amount of snowfall in Lowell, but didn’t. The next time you’re shoveling 14 inches of snow out of your driveway, blame it on the faceless government bureaucrat – long since retired to sunny Arizona, I’m sure – who’s responsible for building Interstate 495 where he did.
How many times have you heard the weatherman say: “The storm will bring rain inside of 495 and snow, probably 8 to 12 inches, beyond 495.” All the federal government had to do was build 495 another five miles to the west and north of Lowell, and we’d be carrying umbrellas instead of wearing ski parkas for much of the winter.
Yes, we’re certainly accustomed to snow in Lowell. That’s really not a bad thing. Those of you old enough to remember the infamous Blizzard of ’78 probably also remember how quickly Lowell and its neighboring towns in the Merrimack Valley recovered from that 33-inch avalanche. While the National Guard was being summoned to help dig out snowbound cars and trucks on 128, and Governor Ed King declared a state of emergency and ordered most of the Commonwealth’s businesses to close down for nearly a week, it took Lowellians less than 24 hours to dig themselves out and return the city to its normal routine. We wondered what the fuss was all about.
Having lived in the Merrimack Valley for more than 40 years now, I have come to accept that Lowell is the geographic center of New England and 495 was built in the wrong place. But I still have some complaints about the winters.
For one thing, they’re too damn long. New England really has only three seasons: autumn, winter, and summer. The day – usually in June – that we finally turn off the heat is often the same day that we turn on the air conditioner. I’m not even certain that it’s possible to open the windows in my house. I think the cranks are merely decorative. Well, at least we’re not wasting money on screens. We all know that snowy February is, thankfully, the shortest month with 28 days, except during leap years. But why, I demand to know, does grimy March have to be the longest month with 49 days?
Another complaint about New England winters is the drivers. I’m not talking about the drivers with license plates from the six New England states. We all know how to drive in the snow. But when you’re wondering why the traffic on 93 is crawling along at five miles an hour in the middle of a harmless snow flurry and the road surface is still as dry as the Mojave Desert, I assure you that the creeping car at the head of the pack is bearing Maryland plates. And a bumper sticker that says: “I brake for flakes.”
But my biggest complaint about the snow is directed toward the region’s auto dealers. Every car commercial I see shows a car plowing through eight inches of snow, but there’s never any ice on the windows, slush in the wheel wells, or snow sticking to the shiny finish. Why don’t they sell those cars in New England? And if they do, where can I get one?
If someone has the answer, just leave the message on my machine. I’ll be out shoveling ‘til June.