2006
After an absence of 52 years, I returned to the stage last week. I thought I had retired for good more than a half-century ago, leaving the theater when I was on top, leaving the audience wanting more. But the public wanted more of me, and what the public wants, the public gets sooner or later, although in my case it was much, much later. I am one of those rarities, a child actor who can find a role after he’s grown up and no longer cute. And I was cute as a bunny. Let me explain:
I was in Mrs. Finnochairo’s first-grade class at Beltsville Elementary School in Maryland when I heard the casting call. The third grade was putting on a play, but one of the actors was sick, and an understudy was needed. Was there anybody in her class, Mrs. Finnochairo was urgently asked, with a very loud voice who could be heard clearly at the back of the auditorium. Mrs. Finnochairo did not hesitate and called on me. This was in 1954, the same year that “A Star is Born,” a movie about an ambitious nobody who callously uses anybody and everybody to rise to Hollywood stardom, hit the silver screen. Very few people know it, but I was the inspiration for that film.
There was no time for rehearsals. There wasn’t even time to explain the plot to me, or even the title of the play. The show was ready to go on, and the auditorium was packed. There was time only for me to run through my lines as I slipped into my costume. None of the other actors, who were all two years older than I, spoke to me. I could sense their hostility. I was the precocious brat who was stealing the plum role that belonged to one of their friends, someone who had rehearsed for weeks and was now destined to become a forgotten footnote in theatrical history. But I didn’t care. I sneered at their pettiness. I was going somewhere, and that third-grade cast was going nowhere. Today, Beltsville. Tomorrow, Broadway. I waited in the wings until I got my cue. Then, dressed in my rabbit costume, I hopped out onto the stage, found my mark, and dramatically declared in my six-year-old stentorian voice: “I like carrots. Carrots are good for me.” Then, to thunderous applause, I hopped off stage … and into obscurity.
As I exited Stage Right, I realized I had just been handed the role of a lifetime. Yes, I could have been the greatest Hamlet, Estragon, and Willy Loman. But nothing could ever top this performance, so why try? It was better to just vanish, and let the public wonder What Ever Happened to Baby Scoggins?
And so, for the next 52 years, I distanced myself from the theater and kept a low profile. I moved away from Beltsville, to the other side of the world, in fact. I attended a humble public university and graduated at the bottom of my class. I became a soldier, then a sportswriter, a rock musician, a sportscaster, and an author. I earned a few honors and a little bit of recognition along the way, but nobody ever made the connection between me and the mysterious child prodigy who had chucked his acting career at the age of six. Not for more than 50 years.
And then somebody must have made the connection. The casting call was totally unexpected. Jerry Bisantz, one of the directors of the year-old Image Theater in Lowell, wanted me to be in a short, one-act play. I’ll admit I was flattered to be asked to return to the stage after all these years. But is acting what I really wanted? I remembered the envy, the hatred in the eyes of those third-graders back at Beltsville Elementary. I can handle envy and hatred. But the bigger question was: Would I still like myself? What if I turned into someone jumping up and down on the couch as a guest on a talk show and spouting Scientology? Would I start playing bumper cars with the paparazzi? Did I want to get two a.m. phone calls at my mansion from Brad Pitt, begging Angelina Jolie to come home?
I didn’t want any of those things. But I decided I’d do it anyway. The play was a comedy entitled “Sunday Night Confessions” and written by UMass Lowell alumnus Rob Mattson. The plot had two long-time friends watching a nail-biting Sunday night NFL game on TV, one of them so engrossed in the action that the other realizes it’s a good time to clear his conscience of all the terrible things he’s done to his best friend over the years without having to fear any consequences. Three other personalities from the world of sports journalism were also cast in the play. Boston Herald columnist Steve Buckley, and MetroWest sportswriter Lenny Megliola would play the roles of the two friends. Pete Sheppard, one of the hosts of WEEI’s immensely popular Big Show, and I would play the roles of the sportscasters describing the game the two friends were watching.
We had only one rehearsal before presenting the play. Buckley and Sheppard were neophytes. Megliola has acted in dozens of plays. I’m a natural, of course, and could have skipped the rehearsal entirely. But even the great actors sometimes have to condescend to deliver their lines to the little people. I was given the most important role, that of the straight man, the play-by-play broadcaster, who is the glue that holds the play together. The bit actors instinctively followed the Great Thespian’s lead, and one short rehearsal was all that was needed.
The Image Theater’s theme last week was six one-act plays for guys who hate being dragged to plays. The first five plays all featured serious, talented actors and actresses and were highly amusing and entertaining. The amateurs would be in the last play of the night, and again, just as I had experienced it 52 years before, I could sense the envy and hostility of the serious actors who were reduced to acting on the undercard while the dilettantes hogged the spotlight. But then, they were all probably too young to realize just who it was triumphantly returning to the stage in the role of the play-by-play sportscaster. And you wouldn’t ask The Beatles to open for the Dropkick Murphys, would you?
Anyway, in all seriousness, I had a fabulous time, and I think the audience did, too. The real actors were friendly and gracious to us, and if we butchered Rob Mattson’s lines, the playwright didn’t appear to be offended.
But I’ve decided that my acting career is finally, absolutely over.