2016
I have to admit that the GPS is a technological marvel. I’m one of those people blessed with a terrific sense of direction who never thought I would need one to find my way around the United States or even much of Europe, and I really don’t. But even with a compass and a map inside my skull, I do find the GPS a useful backup tool. I take it with me on long drives back and forth from Massachusetts to Florida or parts unknown and keep it plugged in and running, although I haven’t really had a reason to use it yet. It’s there in case there’s a major backup on the interstate because of a wreck somewhere up ahead or a road construction site where no one ever seems to be working and the heavy equipment sits idle and rusting. I figure the GPS will come in handy for leaving the highways and navigating the byways to get back on the interstates ahead of the traffic snarls. Right now, however, it’s just a lucky charm attached to the windshield because I haven’t encountered a major traffic issue – other than rush hour jams around cities that are inescapable no matter what alternate route you choose – since I’ve made “Gypsy” my traveling companion.
But I also have to admit Gypsy can be an annoying traveling companion, like a bratty tyke in the backseat who keeps asking “Are we there yet?” At my age I’m not necessarily interested in driving the shortest or most direct route to my destination. I choose my routes to avoid as much stress as possible. Sometimes the route suggested by Gypsy will take me along roads I know are more likely to be congested and prone to accidents and therefore potentially slower than the longer way around. And whenever I deviate from the suggested route Gypsy keeps imploring me to “take the next exit” at every exit and won’t shut up. I’m good at ignoring the advice, much to the chagrin of the tiny lady inside the box. Instead I heed the advice of the wizard in the Emerald City of Oz, who admonished Dorothy, the scarecrow, the tin man, the cowardly lion, and the disobedient Toto to “pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” Fortunately, Gypsy has a pleasant voice, and I do admire her ability to recalculate routes within seconds, especially the farther I choose to stray off her preferred course. But if she had an annoying voice, like Kristen Chenoweth’s, I’d have to gag her by pulling the plug.
Still, as I drive along hour after hour, I imagine Gypsy is far from happy with me for ignoring her and making her work overtime, even if she hides the displeasure in her voice and subdues the urge to nag. After all, I am wasting her time, time that could be put to far better use elsewhere helping rudderless drivers without compasses or maps in their skulls who find themselves lost in Yonkers when they’re supposed to be lounging in Yarmouth. But if she thinks I’m being cruel to her, she should consider herself lucky she wasn’t inside the GPS of a passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight from Tampa to Manchester, New Hampshire, I happened to be aboard.
This guy attached his GPS to the window of the airliner for the entire trip. Can you imagine the torture the tiny lady inside his device had to endure for three solid hours? She’s been trained to calculate and recalculate routes in vehicles traveling well under 100 miles per hour. Now she was trying to keep up in a plane flying, according to the GPS screen, at 511 miles per hour with a good tailwind. By the time she finished giving him instructions to take the next exit, the next exit was already 15 miles behind. This guy was much kinder to his fellow passengers than he was to the GPS lady. He had the sound turned off, which, had she known, would have been even more frustrating to her since she was trying desperately to talk at a speed of more than eight miles a minute and nobody was listening. If you can remember listening to vinyl records designed to spin at 33 1/3 rpm whirling at 78 rpm on the turntable and how high-pitched the voices sounded, then double that speed and imagine what it sounds like. Probably an ear-splitting primal scream as the GPS lady went insane.
Through it all the guy with the GPS just sat in his seat, stared at the screen, and smiled benignly. I suspect he was seeking revenge on the voice inside that would never shut up. I know you can buy GPS programs with directions given by the voices of celebrities, and maybe he had purchased Kristen Chenoweth’s and couldn’t take it anymore.
To which I would have said: “I understand perfectly, pal.”
My Gypsy can be annoying, but, thankfully, she’s no Kristen Chenoweth. And as long as she never tries to take revenge on me by, say, replacing the map on the screen with a picture of Juliette Lewis, whose face is so painful to look at it makes my eyes water, Gypsy and I will get along just fine, like an old married couple who talk all the time without listening to each other.