2012
I’m wishing my best friend in the whole world, who is turning 66, a Grumpy Birthday this year. I know it’s supposed to be a Happy Birthday, but, cynic that I am, don’t birthdays become increasingly less happy the older we get? I mean, with every passing year we have less and less to look forward to.
When we were kids birthdays truly were happy occasions. Birthdays brought you closer to being able to do the things you yearned to do, like being old enough to ride a bicycle, get into the theater to see a movie that wasn’t rated G, another year closer to getting that driver’s license. At my age another birthday brings you another year closer to that next colonoscopy and prostate exam, new aches and pains that just won’t go away, and glaucoma.
Birthday parties were fun and exciting when we were kids. There were balloons, all the cake and ice cream we could eat until we got sick and threw up, and lots of presents from our friends. Now the balloons get inserted into our arteries to alleviate the blockages, we can’t eat cake and ice cream because they either make us fat or we have Type II diabetes, and we get fewer and fewer presents because more and more of our friends are dead. What fun! We can’t even blow out the candles on the birthday cake we’re not allowed to eat because 1) there are too goddamn many of them and 2) the goddamn emphysema.
Unfortunately, because my best friend lives on one coast and I live on the other, I will not be able to attend his 66th birthday party this year. Too bad, because I would love to see his eyes light up as he opens his gifts. Here are some of them I know he’s going to get:
* Viagra.
* A petition to sign from AARP warning him that if he doesn’t do something immediately his Social Security benefits will begin drying up and he’ll die destitute.
* Funny nose and glasses. Prescription lenses, of course.
* An unexpected call from a grandson he never knew he had begging him to wire $2,000 in bail money to some remote RCMP outpost in northern Saskatchewan.
* A 15% senior discount coupon from Denny’s. (Good only between the hours of 4 and 6 p.m.)
* No fewer than 11 unsolicited and illegal calls from shameless telemarketers during the party.
* More Viagra.
* A telegram from a Nigerian prince offering him 10% of his $70 million fortune if he can stash the money in my friend’s bank account after he’s wired $10,000 in good-faith money to a bank in Lagos.
* A new allergy.
* A senior citizen discount fare from American Airlines. (Good only on the Wednesday night red-eye Yuma-to-Yakima route.)
* A letter from his alma mater telling him about the tax benefits of donating his estate to the school after his death, and if he gives at least $100,000 they’ll fund a chair in his name in the Facilities Management Department.
*A gift-wrapped but unlabeled box full of incontinence products, unlabeled so the recipient can avoid embarrassment until he opens it in front of all his guests at the party.
*Gas.
* An affordable life insurance policy from Colonial Penn for $6.95 a month that can never be canceled regardless of his age or pre-existing health conditions. (Limited benefits first two years.)
* An “Old Bags Fly Free” coupon from Southwest Airlines, which means your wife doesn’t have to pay for her ticket.
* A greeter’s vest from Wal-Mart.
GRUMPY BIRTHDAY!